Friday, October 26, 2007

A View from the Castle

I feel like such a wimp sometimes and other times I feel like an ogre. I feel like I ride the pendulum when it comes to our girls. I am trying to follow my brother's advice, that is Michael Pearl of "Train up a Child" and I know his advice is biblically sound and works it is just soooooo hard sometimes. You know I feel so guilty when I have to spank my little girls butt. She is just so smart and sometimes just blatantly defiant and she knows it and I know it and well, there you have it. She has to have the rod sometimes. We are working on the defiant attitude right now. Better get a grip on it now. God knows we saw enough of it in the 7 + years at the Children's Home.

Anyway, I just feel guilty and there is that little angel, or is it the devil, sitting on my shoulder saying. "Don't you remember all you went through to have that little girl? And now here you are spanking her. Shame on you! All she did was tell a little lie. She doesn't even know what she is doing". Now that I think about it, it must be the devil. Anyway, it is hard not to just give in to your emotions and just say. It's OK just don't do it again. Gosh, don't we all wish that just worked.

OK, so let's talk about the homosexuality and Christianity subject. I will be typing myself into oblivion if I try to fully explain myself on this but I am going to try my best. I have grown up with lots of gay people around me. It began with my sisters friend from church who was in love with my sister. Of course it wasn't reciprocated but it did add a dynamic to my young life that I was not fully aware existed until I realized I had a gay best friend. And he was a friend of mine from church too. Then I grew up and went to college and met more people, professing Christians with fruits of the spirit evident in there life. They turned out to be gay too. I could give you lots of details, family members, acquaintances, close friends etc. My heart was breaking to think that all these people, just because they preferred sex with their own sex would go to hell regardless.

SO, this is the conclusion I came to . First, I don't believe you are born gay. I believe you can have a predisposition to effeminate or manly characteristics that make you subjected to ridicule and make you yourself question your sexuality but I don't believe you are born that way. That would leave you no choice in the matter. I don't believe God does that. I may be wrong. Anyway, secondly, I believe you can be gay AND be a born again Believer in Jesus Christ. I believe that once you are saved you are SAVED. Period. Written in the Lambs book of life. No giant erasers in heaven. It's grace that we just can't fathom. SO, when the Bible talks about liars, and effeminate, adulterers etc not inheriting the Kingdom of Heaven, I believe it is saying the truth. HOWEVER, you must remember that once you are born again, your a sanctified, sealed and sainted. You may be trapped in your flesh until you are perfected when Jesus comes and takes us outta here.

Now hold on a minute you say. That means you can get saved and then do whatever the heck you want. And I say a big fat YES. That is why Jesus said go MAKE DISCIPLES not go get a bunch of people saved. Salvation is the easy part. Discipleship, learning to follow Christ, to become like him, to die to self daily, etc. Now that is the hard part. Our brother's and sisters who are living the homosexual lifestyle and still claim to be Christian can very much be just that. They are just deceived by the devil and are missing out on a closeness with Christ that some of us experience occasionally. I mean come on now. If you want to argue the point, why do we make such a big issue of homosexuality and not fornication or adultery? Is it more socially consciousness or judgemental ism or what?

Now I didn't just arrive at this overnight. I had a few friendships that I lost because of this issue. I never lost a friendship over the fact that someone was sleeping around or was a habitual liar or was doing things that were unholy. Just over the homosexual issue. I came to realize that could not be what Christ wants us to do. After all he is all about love. I know I know he said go and sin no more. What an idyllic mentality. He could have that and still love us in spite of ourselves. He has ALWAYS known what our abilities are and he chose to create us anyway. OK, so I have started a whole heap of controversy I am sure.

Bottom line is, I believe that once you are saved, God looks at you as he looks at His Son. You are a Saint. Period. You didn't get there by anything you did and you can't hold on to it or lose it because of something you do. Grace... wonderful, amazing, simple grace. If you choose to live deceived sometimes it is not of our own necessary choosing, after all remember what Paul said. Something like this. "What I want to do, I don't do and what I don't want to do, I do" so even Paul wrestled with the flesh. Doesn't mean he was lost does it?

OK so that's enough of that.
Until we meet again.

Monday, October 22, 2007

It's getting better in the Castle

My little princess came and slept with us a while this morning. I must admit I was in hogs heaven when she fell back to sleep on my arm as she was snuggled up to me. I am hoping however that she falls asleep and has a pleasant and sound sleep tonight with no bad dreams. I enjoyed my "adult" time with my wife last night. Although we both are physically tired and sleepy we try to get a little bit of conversation in that is not interrupted by little ones. We also got to turn on a movie that was rated a little more than G. Mind you I like the kids movies and family movies I just enjoyed some character development and story line etc. I think Shelley did too, although she fell asleep half way through. Not to mention, this was a "chick flick" and I didn't necessarily care for the gratuitous sex. The movie was "The Holiday" with Camron Diaz, Jude Law, Jack Black and my new favorite actress Kate Winslett. There is no nudity and only a few bad words and the story line is great. We really enjoyed it.

Oh well, blah blah blah. I am checking to see if anyone is reading my musings. There have been a few people here and there. No comments however and Shelley tells me it's because of some setting I have, so I changed it to allow everyone to post a comment. I certainly welcome them. I would love to know if anyone out there finds my posts interesting. I would also like to open a forum up about topics so that I can spout off about whatever interests you. For instance.

Shelley and I as you probably know have recently moved in with my father in law. The house was already full and we brought a truck load and a a half to mix in with it. Well, needless to say, we can't do it all ourselves so we hired some kids from one of Shelley's life long friends family (niece and nephew- 14 and 10 years old respectively) to help us out. They have been doing a great job and we really appreciate their help. Anyway, we somehow got on the subject about homosexuality and Christianity and we definitely differed in our opinions and interpretations about scripture. Now of course I made sure they knew that I was not trying to persuade their views, after all they are only 14 and 10. I told them that they should always discuss matters such as these with their parents. The opinion I was giving was mine and mine alone.

Now of course you are asking yourself and me, what is your opinion? OK, glad you asked. I have taken a few days to research this topic and do other things that needed doing so I feel a little behind in my posting so I am going to post this and then maybe speak on that topic if and I do say IF anyone is interested.

By the way, for the past few nights it has gotten easier and easier to go to sleep with just my wife and oldest (Bailey). She after all has been sleeping with us for the past 8 years so there is just no changing that until she goes to doggy heaven. And don't get me started there either. Our beautiful little Jack Russell Terrorist has been under the weather the past few days after injuring her eye and crapping all over the back seat of our car and puking too. Oh well, I guess it is our fault for just leaving her in the car to go out to eat after taking her to the Vet and them giving her a antibiotic shot. Needless to say, our meal was cut short. You DON'T want the details.

OK so I will post later about the topic K? Who the heck is reading this anyway? I have had only one comment (thank you Jennifer) and that encourages my continued musings. It has been cathartic and educational. Hope you have fun and learn something too.

Hoping your dreams come true,


Saturday, October 20, 2007

Goodnight Sweet Princess

I don't quite know how to handle our situation right now. I am a mix of emotion. What we are embarking upon is a bitter sweet experience. Perhaps someone out there can help. Maybe not. Let me explain. Our little girl, our oldest, Alyson is starting to sleep in her own room again. Her own bed for the first time. No longer with Mommy and Daddy. My heart is breaking. I am sure to those of you who haven't experienced this you think I am some kind of weirdo but I am telling you that after sharing our bed with our child for over a year now, we have bonded so closely and sometimes look forward to our little special time just before we go to sleep.

Aly has cried about it to us before. She said that she likes just having us all to herself and not having to share us with Lili. We lay in the bed and laugh and joke and read and sometimes argue about "Aly go to sleep". But eventually those beautiful brown eyes close and her eyelids slow down in their blinking and she yawns a few times and then she is out like a light. That is if she has had the chance to "play wiff Mommies hayuhh". She is so tactile and she loves the feeling of Shelley's hair between her fingers.

She also loves to ask me dozens of questions, which of course I love to answer and discuss etc. She has already learned the way to snooker Dad. But you know, I love it. I sit and think about the not too distant future when she will no longer want to just lay in the bed and ask Dad and Mom questions and laugh and sing and try to wake up her sister or get Bailey rambunctious. I love it when she curls up in my arm and falls asleep. I am going to miss that terribly. It really hurts my heart.

I know she has to grow up. I know she needs to have her room and her bed etc. I also know that Shelley and I really need the alone ADULT time. Time to simply have an adult conversation not interrupted by our loving daughter. It still doesn't make it any easier. I miss her already. I know I know just give it time. She did so well last night. She slept all night by herself in her bed. She is sharing the room with Lili currently until Fred Sandford and his crew move out. Then she will have her own room.

But night before last I thought I would lose it. It feels to much like a death of sorts to me, and believe me I have had enough of those for a while. She went to bed with the intention of sleeping in her bed but a little later , she came crying to us and climbed up in my lap and told me "I thought it would be easier. It's so lonely". SO of course what did we do. She slept with us.

Oh well, just like the urologist told me about my kidney stone. This too shall pass. I still hate to watch her grow up soooooo quickly. I know she is only 3, well almost 4 but it just seems like yesterday I held her tiny body in my arms as she protested for an hour. Sometimes I just wish time could just stand still for a few moments. God please help me to make better use of the time I have to spend with my girls. Help me to make it count.

We had the first of a few yard sales today. Made our week seem successful. Getting rid of stuff and turning some of it into cash. Basically made enough to pay the kids who helped us all week and enough to tithe (yes yard sale money IS income and you should tithe it...oh yes the Lord made me painfully aware of our not tithing all monies that come in). SO if you do read this and you are so inclined, please pray for our continued successes. Give a big praise to the BIG MAN upstairs for us. He is so good. We are blessed.

I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places.

Friday, October 19, 2007

We're off and running...

OK, so we have begun the process. I even have the pictures and all with my profile etc. How cool is that huh? My wife was just was discussing with me about re-doing her blog and she changed the color to black. Is this what we have been reduced to? Talking about our blog colors. Well then so be it. You must find common ground. I am not a hunter, not a sports enthusiast (I was several years ago but that was when I was a betting fool), So she has never had to fight that battle. Although I am not as into the adoption thing as she is and we enjoy each others company but it seems like the years have slowly eaten away at our common likes and dislikes.

What I mean is, you have to WORK at your relationship don't you! It doesn't just happen. Well, when you are first married it seems to "just happen" that's because all you can think of is making whoopee. Is that how you spell that? Anyway, you know what I mean. You spend a lot of time together making love and then eating, making love and then eating again and then maybe watching a movie until well, you know... and you just seem to have a lot in common. Of course you have a lot of likes and dislikes too. Hopefully you share those.

But times change and you change with them. Your lives just change. You may have demanding jobs that drain your emotional tank which leaves you dry when your spouse needs your emotions also. You have kids and they are so demanding that you put your spouse on the back burner and pray they will forgive you and you blow kisses at night instead of actually kissing. Do I sound like a Psychologists dream or what. Blah, blah, blah. I'll bet my wife has a hissy when she reads this. Maybe or maybe not. Who knows, but what I am saying is that we have to work at our relationships. If me starting a blog will give us more common areas to discuss and work on together (or should I say together-separately kind of like sitting in the same room and reading together) then more power to me. Perhaps some other's should be listening to this.

We have been so caught up in so many other things that we have forgotten about us. Of course there is no question about the love. We made that decision over 14 years ago when we knew we were meant to be husband and wife and devoted ourselves to each other and swore before God to let Him lead and follow His will. Doesn't mean it has been easy. There are times Shelley wants to kill me and I her but we get over it. We CHOOSE to get over it and love each other in spite of our short comings. And oh baby some of us have way more short comings than should be allowed.

I guess right now I am experiencing so many emotions of all that is transpiring in our lives currently. Here it is a little after midnight and we have to be up at least by 6 am so we can be out on the carport to price our yard sale items. Don't even get me started about that. Anyway, if you read this, both of you please pray for us that the Lord will send angels with American money to buy our stuff so we can pay bills and then sell more stuff at another yard sale in two weeks. Just pray that His will is accomplished. I am sure it is cause we are getting rid of stuff. And if you have seen our home lately you know we need to badly. I told you don't get me started.

Anyway, just thinking out loud. Or typing out loud or whatever. Maybe this will jog some one's heart too. At least I am blogging. What about you there partner?

Til the cows come home,

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Hello World are you there?

Well, this ought to be interesting. Perhaps this can be cathartic. What the heck does that mean anyway? Cathartic. Sounds like some medical procedure that I DON"T want to ever have. Not unless I can't pee. Anyway. WHO is going to read this anyhow. Maybe no one, maybe someone. Anyway I am going to post it and see.

My wife Shelley posts on her blog ( on a regular basis and has lots of people reading and responding. I hope to do the same. Perhaps someone with a background in Psychology will check me out and prescribe some therapy that will be beneficial at this stage of my life. Perhaps this will be the therapy?! Anyway, it should be cathartic. By the way I looked it up and it means this: something to do with purging, whether it is emotional or of my bowels will be determined by those who read it.

In other words, you may view this as a big load of crap and at the same time I could become more emotionally healthy by taking the time to type out my feelings and share them with others.

Right now I feel lead to type out my prayer to God and ask Him to lead people to this blog and me to theirs if it is His will. Here goes.

Dear Heavenly Father, You know me, you know my heart. You know what I need and what I want before I ask it. But you have made me a father, a daddy, and I understand what it feels like to have my little girl ask me for something that I can do. And then do it. SO for you, ABBA, I am asking that you lead this blog, this experiment with 21st century technology. I need friends in similar situations. I need friends who can share with me and hear my story and hold me accountable and encourage me and help me and I them.

Please oh Lord, help me to achieve this. You know my desire is to be used by you and bring you glory. Even now as I type this I am scared that someone will read these words and misunderstand my intentions. Please open their eyes to the truth about who I am and what I am. Help me to be real at all times and honest and open. Please Lord help other's to do the same. I pray this is Jesus name. I thank you Lord for hearing my prayer.

OK, so here I am bearing my heart... a Father's Heart... hoping and praying some other father's out there will do the same, but you don't have to be a father.

Because He lives,